I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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