My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
