so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
