3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
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It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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