just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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