Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
