She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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