we're blogging at a bar
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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