Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
