I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I need a burrito and a hug.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
