I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
