: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
