I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
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