I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
