Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
