Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
