I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
