i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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