Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
