Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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