im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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