Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
