I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
