Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
