If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My vagina is very pro this idea
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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