dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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