Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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