I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
