i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
