You just made me feel so damn special
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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