you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
