I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You are a genius and a whore.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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