i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You can't motorboat a personality
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
