I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
