I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
