OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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