the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
