im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
