my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
