the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
