I want to have your abortion
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
