I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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