I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
