Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
