I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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