I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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