yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
