I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
