if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
