And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
