I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
