id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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