I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
