At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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