Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
