This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
