I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
