i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
