Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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